how you can know somebody once and then it’s like you two never met before and we don’t even spare each other any glances that whisper of -perhaps? or maybe… maybe I know you, but I don’t know you so I’m just gonna look away.
no. we don’t even give each other that. we simply look away into our own worlds and the recognition just fades more and more and then we don’t even have to pretend like we once knew each other.
we never did.
It’s not that I don’t appreciate others’ art but art is art and it’s subjective no? I can see how it’s lovely and intricate and professional but if I don’t feel that it’s touching or tugging on my soul I can hardly be drawn to it. I simply see it as it is. I admire how wonderfully skilled the artist is but that’s that. I know it takes a lot of time and effort and every stroke is a delicate and risky move, if it’s not digital art, it’s so easy to make a mistake and then you need to hide it because you just want it to be so perfect. it’s not that I wasn’t amazed by it but it just didn’t keep my eyes planted to it, I just didn’t feel it.
and I do wish that I could be as good as those artists out there with real amazing control of every drop of ink they let fall onto their canvas, and I’m always thinking what am I even doing? studying science, when art is what I am truly moved by…
life leaves us with choices sometimes yet we make the wrong ones. and it’s not always possible to turn things around and try again because I just can’t be thinking of what I want all the time.
especially when I’m not even sure myself.
just spent some time looking through the life of another. it just seems so sad how some people just feel sad and they can’t help it, they really can’t. how it reminds me of myself, so easily heartbroken even by simply watching a seal get eaten by a killer whale. it’s a natural part of life but my synapses can’t accept it and tears just trickle down. I’m hardened now and things like that don’t hurt me as much any more. especially now that I’m on my quest for happiness, I’ve learnt to push aside many and most of such thoughts. but I still feel sad for others who haven’t found a way yet. I feel sad that I can’t help them because I don’t even know them. I may even feel I don’t deserve to be happy when so many others are not. but I have to push away those self-destructive thoughts because I’m only gonna live once and all the good things happening now are only going to happen for this life and maybe not a lifetime and I have to appreciate and be glad that I have them so i don’t ever regret letting slip all the goodness in this world that I couldn’t see because I was masked by self-pity.
so even if not everything is perfect and i still do badly for CAs and I don’t understand whats going on in lectures and why the sky is blue, I just need to know that you love me and I love you.